Ways I’d Like to die #2: Dinosaurs with Laser Beams

So after reading this article about possible Jurassic Park 4 plotlines, I realized that perhaps the government SHOULD get dinosaurs with lazers. After all, you can send them into war without killing so many of our own people (well, the enemy dies more, but war makes sense like that). You don’t have to pay to send them to school, although that could be interesting enough to warrant doing so. Oh, and they’re even cooler than snakes on a plane.

So now that you’ve been convinced after a paragraph of non-sensical and non-researched reasonings of why we should embrace a wildly divergent national defense plan, let me explain the finer details about this particular death.

First, I’d want a one-on-one battle: me with a laser-reflecting sword, him the laser. He would be the smartest of the velociraptor-soldiers and would growl like David Draiman on crack. I would’ve just stabbed his best friend in self defense and he would’ve eaten my 2nd hand man because he was a blood-thirsty bastard. We would see each other across a massive marble corporate lobby, preferably with an inexplicably dangerous lava pit off to the side for good taste. I would scream “This is for Tator!” and he would scream that sounded similar, although the subtitles in the movie would display something far too clever, maybe something along the line of “Ahh, a regular William Wallace, eh?” We’d stare at each other for a dramatically long period of time and then launch into a special effects laden fight.

Even though we’d both have fatal weapons, we’d still punch and kick each other for a while, with plenty of agonizing blows that’d only pump us up for more action. I’d definitely headbutt that dinosaur at least once, because that’d get that last #223 off of my “things to do before I’d die” list. He’d scratch me, I’d stab him in the paw with my sword. He’ll singe my hair with the laser and I’ll look comically shocked for a moment. I’d kick him where his balls would be and he would surprisingly not be hurt, but then he’d kick me in the balls back and I make my unpleasant “O” face. Finally, after chomping down on my torso, he crawl over to where I had kicked his laser, and he’d fry me up more than a piece of chicken from KFC. All while he cackled evilly.

Well, at least that’s how I HOPE it goes down.