The Silent LOL

In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been a bit absent. I just finished my last final, which puts an end to long and stressful period of craziness. However, it will still be a little bit before I dive back into blogging: I’m leaving for a one-week community service trip today. I think we steal from homeless people or something. Maybe not, I don’t know. Anyway, hold tight and I should have some good stories to share when I get back.

Politically, I consider myself an extreme moderate. I’ll often strap myself with dynamite and walk into legislatures around the country, screaming “Do something reasonable, or I’m gonna blow this place up!”

This weekend, I had an orange push-up pop, which instantly sent me back to my childhood. As it turns out, the first ingredient listed is “Nostalgia” (closely followed by “high-fructose corn syrup”). Everyone I talked to loves push-up pops, even if they did switch from Flintstones to Scooby-Doo. So if you ever feel sad, then just have one of these delicious orange snacks and frolick in your childhood once more. Unless, of course, you had a shitty childhood.

So last night, I was watching the return of my favorite television show (”The Office”) when suddenly, the weather man comes on.

“Hello, I’m Dan Thomas and we are now on a tornado warning. There is a storm about 4 counties west of here, but just in case you’re in Paris county…”

He then proceeds to show us, in excruciating detail, the state of the pretty colors on his screen:

“As you can see, this red area is flying over Gregoryville and the yellow area is following it. Let’s take a look from a different angle. Now, you can see that the red area is still over Gregoryville and that the yellow area is following it. Now, let’s move it from this angle…how about this angle…Now let’s make it 3D. You can’t see the depth, but trust me, it’s dangerously 3D. Now let’s spin this graph… How about from this angle? As you can see, this red area is still flying over Gregoryville…”

This guy manages, in 10 minutes, to show us every concievable angle of this red splotch 4 counties away while my favorite show is on. Honestly, I think he invented new dimensions in order to show us from new angles. That didn’t keep him from repeating himself a thousand times, but it was interesting seeing our weather patterns displayed in the 5th dimension.

Then, as soon as we move onto the next new show (”Scrubs”), he sticks his dirty face into my life again.

“Hello, I’m Dan Thomas. Yes, I’m fucking up your show, but this is the only time I can get people to pay attention to me. Hi mom! I’m fucking Dan Thomas! Now, let’s take a look at this potential tornado flying over Gregoryville…”

—-

humor-blogs.com rained urine on Dan Thomas’ house once. Bet he didn’t expect that!

So I was recently choosen to be the Editor-in-Chief of my school humor/satire newspaper. It comes out roughly every two weeks and is second only to the main school paper in terms of circulation. It’s about 12 full newspaper pages full of content every issue (with few ads) and has a bit of namebrand. Now, I get to be all responsible and really build it up again. I’m sure you’ll hear more as time goes on, but for the moment… I need to go get absolutely corrupted.

I recently applied to work at the campus Writing Studio as a Writing Consultant — a.k.a. someone who works one-on-one with students struggling with papers. Here is the response I got:

————

Dear [dash],

Thank you for applying to become a Peer Consultant for the 2008-2009 academic year. We very much enjoyed reviewing your application materials. Although we were impressed with your candidacy, we are unable to offer you a position at this time.

All the best,

Jennifer H.

————–

What? Not even an interview? Apparently they must not have liked my application essay. Here’s my opening paragraph:

If I wanted to be a pirate, I’d hop on a schooner and start plundering. If I wanted to be a ninja, I’d go to a dojo to start my training. If I wanted to be a high school English teacher that specialized in writing, then I’d apply to work at my campus writing center so I can start practicing the relevant skills immediately. Oh wait, I’m already doing that.

How does a writing studio reject that quality of writing? After I become an internationally renowned author, I’m gonna come back and guffaw in their grimaced punk-ass faces.

…heh, she said she was “impressed with my candidacy.” heh heh.

The other day, me and my bud were discussing some GLBT event on campus and started getting silly. We tried to make fun of the stereotypical gay interior designer, but pretty quickly realized we couldn’t. Not that we had moral qualms or anything, but… well, here was a typical comment:

“Niiice. That…mauve… couch will go great with those… tourquoise…  drapes. And those… kelly green… vases will, um…umm…tickle-me-pink!”

I realized that was literally my entire vocabulary for color synonyms. Without a thesaurus or box of crayons in hand, I don’t think I can even go through the entire rainbow, much less envision a cool-colored living room accented with warm decor. Hell, I don’t even know what I just said. I think it involves something with the thermostat or somthing.

Interior designers 1, me 0.

————-

humor-blogs can’t tell the difference between fushia and hot pink.

Recently, I discovered that the deciding factor between being “buzzed” and being “drunk” is whether or not I want to take my shirt off. If I’ve just had like a shot or two, clothes are very important to me. If I’ve done a couple more and a glass of wine, then perhaps a little bare-chest action is appropriate. Another couple shots and some dancing, and I need a search team to find the various articles of clothing I’ve shed.

Perhaps the D.A.R.E. program can use my story to caution kids about the dangers of drinking; you might not die, but revealing photos will end up on facebook.

I used to joke that making everyone ride a unicycle would prevent DUI’s, but… I also discovered that I can unicycle while drunk, a.k.a. topless. This is a disturbing discovery. What kind of world do we live in where unicycles are not valid sobriety tests?

“Son, please walk that yellow line.”

“Officer, I can’t walk that… but I can unicycle it!”

—–

humor-blogs.com likes to pet kittens when it gets drunk.

Why the hell do people like to leave permanent markers by dry erase boards?

I don’t know either. It was a terrible idea. We only noticed that they were permanent after we finished our Superbad-esque Penis Drawing Contest. Hopefully, it comes off someday.

heh.

Not that I’m a fan of racism or anything, but if society has to have it, I’d kinda like to see some old-school retro-racism. I mean, how about some old Pollack jokes? Or poking fun at some Jap’s shoddy electronics? Maybe throwing some potatoes at some Irish people? Giving lard for those greasy Italians’ hair? I mean, possibilities are endless. We keep thinking that it’s impossible to solve racism, and if that’s the case, we should at least make it interesting. We should at least make our irrational and xenophobic hatred more egalitarian.

—–

humor-blogs understands satire.